My Inner Child

Over the past few years my focus has largely been on the external disciplines – daily trips to the gym, running a business, no alcohol, and showing up the best I can as a dad and partner. Structure. Routine. Momentum. That work has been (and will always be) very important to me; it gives a solid foundation.

Alongside that, quietly in the background, I’ve also been looking more at inner work. Reading. Reflecting. Noticing patterns. I am someone who keeps very busy, so sitting with my thoughts doesn’t come naturally. In 2026 I’ve decided to tackle this avoidance more intentionally. What are my triggers? How do I build better containers for them?

One thing I’ve come to understand is that we don’t just show up to relationships as adults. We show up as layered versions of ourselves.

How Our Inner Child Shapes Adult Relationships

There’s the child in us that wants love. To be chosen. To be protected. To be believed. If that child experienced moments of not being heard or not being prioritised, the nervous system remembers. It stores a quiet belief that says, “When I need care most, I might not get it.” That belief doesn’t disappear with age. It simply waits.

Then there’s the teenage version of us that wants justice. Fairness. Respect. To not be dismissed. When we feel criticised or deprioritised as adults, this part can activate quickly. Anger often comes from here – not ego, but a sense that something isn’t fair.

And then there’s the now – our adult self. Most adults want peace. Reciprocity. Stability. Calm conversations. Mutual effort. The adult understands that love alone isn’t enough. Alignment matters. Sustainability matters. Nervous systems matter.

Attachment styles aren’t personality flaws. They’re adaptations. If you learned early on that you had to handle things alone, you may become fiercely independent. If you learned that connection could become unpredictable, you may seek reassurance or withdraw to protect yourself. These patterns protected us once. But what protected us as children can create friction as adults.

Noticing Patterns

One pattern I’ve recognised in myself is the urge to step in and help when someone I care about is struggling. On the surface that looks like strength. Underneath, it can be a child trying to rewrite the past. Helping someone else doesn’t heal the moment you weren’t helped. And if I’m honest, there’s another layer to it. When I try to help, part of me wants that effort returned. I want to feel chosen, appreciated, prioritised. When that reciprocity isn’t there, resentment can quietly build. That’s usually when the inner teenager takes over – the part that wants fairness and justice. It starts keeping score. And once that happens, peace disappears.

Deep down I know you should not give in order to receive. That’s why identifying and understanding your triggers is so important. We are all enough. No one is responsible for fixing others. Compassion is healthy. Self-abandonment is not.

A Sad Truth…

I’ve also come to accept that two good people can still be incompatible. Most relationship breakdowns aren’t about villains. They’re about misaligned timelines, nervous systems and life models. Understanding that doesn’t make you cold. Externally, life can look strong – business momentum, parenthood, gym discipline – and internally there can still be waves. But that’s not weakness. Growth isn’t about eliminating triggers or emotions. It’s about responding to them consciously.

The child wants to be chosen. The teenager wants fairness. The adult wants calm. The work, for me, is learning to let the adult lead.

Thank you for reading. I hope it provided some food for thought.